Driving

Living life through the rear view mirror
is dangerous and can end with a crash,
but at the end of the day,
I drive back to that rear view to home.

And I've never been unhappy with home.

My day

popped a Valium,
grabbed a bottle of wine
and camped out on the couch to watch some television
because you can't
violate a probation violation
more so than getting sentenced to jail time in less than a month.

we all hear about the "now"
and how the past is irrelevant to the present,
but the past is all we have.

the clock never stops,
so I live in regret.

regret that red light that cost me a DWI,
regret not leaving my wallet in the car that cost my a felony,
regret not appreaciating the ones who had loved me in the past,
regret ending up in a mental hospital
and I will regret doing 20 days in the local jail.

but most of all;
I regret this instant
because it proves
I'll never get it back.

Awaiting the fall

Admittedly,
my life has come easy
outside of the obstacles set out by my own doing.

Came from a broken home,
but the grandparents and uncles
and a step dad that most believe is my own
made up for that in spades.

My college was paid for,
my cars have been paid for,
my bail has been paid for,
as have
lawyers
oil changes
date nights
and haircuts.

I have yet to want for anything.

I graduated with a degree in psychology,
yet,
I have risen to heights in the sports writing field
without ever taking a class in journalism.

At 26,
I have been given awards,
raises
and my own radio show
despite many shortcomings and legal troubles.

Girls seem to enjoy my company.

Never been alone, minus this calendar year by choice,
and they seem to want me for the long term
despite my temper,
selfishness,
and feeling that the grass is greener on the other side
of every piece of pussy.

But I am afraid for the first time in my life
because success is a horrible mentor.
It seduces into the feeling of impossible failure.

I've never had to climb a hill.

After October 6.

That will all change.

Fear

scared.

not of jail
because six months is nothing.
I'll put a grand on my books,
get through the first week
and then kill time gambling
on card games and bones
while catching up on some much needed rest.

scared.

not of my family
because short of murdering puppies
the group I care about
will support through anything I put my body through
because they love me
and just want me to get better and be happy in life.

scared.

not of losing you
because as anything more than a friend
I did that myself two years ago
when I decided drugs
and not waking up to an alarm clock
was more important than
giving you everything you deserved
for me to give.

scared.

of myself and the future
because in 15 days a judge can take away my freedom,
my career
and everything I have to lose.

If that happens,
I am very scared of how I'll behave
when they finally let me out of the South Side cell
and put me back into a world
with drugs and no reason to avoid them.

It is hard enough for me to do right
when I have every reason to do so,
imagine when I am broke and out of work.

be scared too.

Growing up

As I've aged,
the big stimulants matter less
and the small excitements in life
awake me in the morning.

Ten years ago,
it was about Christmas morning,
a birthday gift,
three-some,
a ball of raw,
kegger parties,
a grand in Vegas,
a wedding day,
grand slam,
perfect game.

Today,
I'll settle for a sunset and a glass of wine,
hitting more green lights than red,
a solidly timed double-entandre,
a smirk on the face of the one I love,
a good first sentence,
book,
REM sleep,
a sacrifice bunt,
or an 0-2 fastball.

I'm only 26,
so maybe in 10 more years,
you'll matter even less.

As of right now,
I can't get your eyes
off my
mind.

Art

Anyone who views the world differently
should write.

Writing is not a choice.

A real writer has to shit out of his brain
or the constipation will drive to insanity.

Words are the fiber.
The pen and pad are the toilet bowl.

And yes,
some times it stinks,
but it feels good
to be able to
flush.

You

But I don't really care how you're doing
or who you're doing
or what is going on.

I want to dig a spoon into your brain
and eat the matter that actually matters.

I want to KNOW
how you're doing,
who you're doing
and what is going on.

that is my crux.

Words are words.
I understand more than most.

But to chew your thoughts
and swallow your dreams
would allow me to sleep
without worry
for the first time
since the first week of January.